Sunday mornings and anxiety

It’s been a while (again) since I have actually sat down and written something, so here I go again with my ranting about things.

One thing, in particular.

So I’ve had to buy my tickets to fly back home yesterday, and trust me, it was no fun. Although I love traveling and I have zero issues with getting on a plane, the whole planning process before it’s a hell of a nightmare.

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, it’s called Generalized Anxiety Disorder and it affects roughly about 30% of adults in their life and it basically generates excessive worrying, restlessness, muscle tension, and the symptoms usually appear during minor matters, such as, in this case, buying plane tickets.

For those of you already familiar with lovely feeling, welcome aboard, I salute you!

So, back to the point in question.

At some point yesterday afternoon I decided that it’s actually time to buy my tickets to fly home ( *la best friend is getting maaaaarried*) before they got expensive af and I was already planning this scenario in my head:

  1. Check the bank account
  2. Double-check the days you’ve booked off work
  3. Check the calendar – again
  4. Open Skyscanner
  5. Oh wait, I need to re-check the days I actually will fly out
  6. Also, where should I fly? Cluj or Debrecen? Which one is closer?
  7. Is it going to be too expensive?
  8. Breathe, breathe, breathe
  9. You’re doing fine.
  10. Breathe, breathe, breathe
  11. You can get these tickets, you’ve done it a million times before
  12. Okay, fine, let’s do this.

And then, my heart started racing like crazy, my palms were sweaty and I decided to just close off the web browser. But then I realised I ACTUALLY NEEDED TO BUY THE TICKETS, so back to the matter at hand.

After carefully calculating how much would it cost me to buy separately the tickets: one way and then return compared to a return ticket and checking the landing times, I decided I will just be reckless and book the tickets, hoping that all the personal details entered were correct and that the departing and landing times match the days in the calendar.

So, one hour and twenty minutes later, my heart stopped racing, the tickets were bought. (*YAY*). I informed la bestie that pretty much is everything sorted and that was it.

I know that this sounds a little bit exaggerating to some of you, but this is how it genuinely feels to do some of the little things in life.

For some, is just as easy as breathing, but for others, it can get quite stressful.

Are any of you feeling the same when booking traveling tickets? What is your thought process? I would love to find out!

In the mean time, just breathe.

Love,

Csilla x

Travel Trip Map Direction Exploration Planning Concept

 

Small Great Things review

True confession: The reason we don’t talk about race is because we do not speak a common language.

‘Small great things’ by Jodi Picoult is a story about an African-American delivery nurse, Ruth Jefferson, who is charged with the murder of Turk and Brittany Bauer’s newborn son.

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It is a story filled with lessons to be learned, with the perspective of a deeper understanding of the judicial system’s racial prejudice.

The one thing that I did not expect when I bought this book was the feeling of guilt that I felt once I have finished it.  We live in a world where the racial discrimination is done in plain sight and people are no longer ashamed of hiding it. I consider myself to be a person that doesn’t judge people by their skin colour or religion, beliefs or sexual orientation; but now that I finished Picoult’s book, I cannot help but ask myself if that is entirely true.

This book is written from different POV’s, just as I am used to with Jodi Picoult’s style, and the narrative is constructed in a way that connects entirely the different emotional levels onto which the story unfolds.

I have to say, although at first Ruth was my favourite character and I rooted for her every moment of the story; my perspective changed slowly. I think that Kennedy McQuarie, Ruth’s defendant is a perfect example of why it’s so hard challenging problematic for some of us to sometimes understand what people of colour have to deal with on a day to day basis.  One of my favourite quotes from the book is (bear with me, it’s quite long):

Most of us think the word racism is synonymous with the word prejudice. But racism is more than just discrimination based on skin colour. It’s also about who has institutional power. Just as racism creates disadvantages for people of colour that makes success harder to achieve, it also gives advantages to white people that make success easier to achieve. It’s hard to see those advantages, much less own up to them.

This book is a page-turner, but it’s also a book I found hard to read. Not because the language and style used were foreign to me, but because of the issue tackled.  Reading about the white supremacist couple and how they perceived race made me sick to my stomach, but also made my heart beat stronger and stronger. It’s sad to think that we live in a world where these people still exist.

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I’m not going to tell you line by line about what happens in the book, but I am going to tell you this. ‘Small Great Things’ is an eye opener; it is a book that makes you question your moral beliefs and your perception of the world, and also, probably will bring a tear to your eyes.

Pride is an evil dragon; it sleeps underneath your heart and then roars when you need silence.

You can buy the book here.

Have you read ‘Small Great Things’? What did you think of it?

 

Love,

Csilla x

Damn you, cancer

There are moments like tonight, when you learn something that shakes you to the roots and makes you wonder why some things happen. Today, another young soul has lost the battle to leukaemia and without wanting, has surrendered.

This young soul has lost this terrible battle after finding out she was healthy again, just days after she’d arrived home to her safe haven. I didn’t know Alida personally, but I followed her story on her blog, her friends’ Facebook pages, through my personal recearch of acute lymphoblastic leukemia and I had hoped she would get better.

When she returned home, I even wished her a warm welcome and I was truly happy for her.I have lost so many people to cancer that honestly, I have lost count. Alida’s story is a touching one and not the only one.

Only 22 years old, with great hopes for the future and with a burning desire to be a hero, Alida’s story has abruptly ended after battling with cancer since 2013.

I was reading her entire blog tonight and by the time I finished, my cheeks were burning with tears.

No. 39 Be a hero. Pentru a deveni un erou, va trebui mai intai sa imi dau seama ce anume defineste un erou. Plus va trebui sa fiu foarte atenta si sa imortalizez momentul deoarece se spune ca meseria de erou este cea mai scurta din lume.”

“No. 39. Be a hero. To become a hero, I will have to figure out first what exactly does define a hero. Besides, I’ll have to be very careful and capture the moment because they say the job of a hero is the briefest in the world “

The one thing that baffles me the most is this: why is it that cancer has not been beaten yet? How is it that in this world we’re living in, with so much technological advancement, we haven’t found a cure yet?

This world is losing great people, and it’s just so hard to keep hearing news like this. You know how they say you don’t need to know someone to understand their story? Well, that’s how I felt about Alida. I didn’t met her personally, we never spoke online either, but we had a common friend. I learnt about Alida’s story through my friend and ever since, I was hoping she would get better. And she did, slowly and bit by bit.

I just feel so angry  frustrated about her passing… I wish there could be more battles won than lost, more cancer survivors, or even better, less cancer to destroy our cells.

How do you come to terms with the idea that someone that young has lost this battle, this terrible fight?

Rest in peace, beautiful Alida…

 

You can read Alida’s story here: https://alidalive.wordpress.com/

Love,

Csilla

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Not so late-night thoughts

leadership-is-not-about-titles-positions-or-flowcharts-it-is-about-one-life-influencing-another-%e2%80%95-john-c-maxwell

It feels like forever since I last posted something that was going through my mind. But tonight, it feels more like I have several levels of thoughts going on.

Firstly, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that the world is not as lovely as I thought and that you can find mean people everywhere. But that doesn’t mean that you have to stop working for your dreams or that you have to outwit someone just to feel better.

As human beings, I believe we have to be better everyday. Better to each other, better at doing things, better at believing in ourselves. Because if we are not better, then what is there left for us?  For the past few years everything has been changing at an increasing speed – sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.

I never thought I would experience a world where there is war, a world where innocent people are being hurt, but oh, I was so naive. I grew up believing that everybody has something good and positive to offer.  I thought everybody had a story that can teach us something meaningful and good, but now, as I am in my almost mid 20s, I realise that we’ve become so selfish and we’ve put aside our sense of loving and caring and made space for fights that shouldn’t be fought or for technology that should bring us closer rather than divide us.

Then, there is other thing.

I realised I have stopped doing the things I liked because I was to busy to live. Not to necessarily enjoy the life, but to live as plainly and as ordinarily as possible. I became the person I promised never to become: dull, caught in the daily routine, too tired to smile a little more. But now, I’ve made a promise to myself,one that will get me through the days with a meaning, with a true meaning. I will enjoy more sunrises and rains, more outdoor activities, more books, more time spent with friends and family.

We are often stuck in this circle of life and it takes quite some time to realise we haven’t exactly achieved something. I think that the true meaning of having lived is when you wake up in the morning and no matter how many responsibilities lie ahead, you can smile and believe in yourself.

That’s the most important part; being at peace with yourself, with what you can offer and with how you can become a better person.

Oh, and did I mention that sometimes the people around you are those who can make you feel better?

Those who believe in your ideals, those who help you achieve your dreams, those who stand by you no matter what. They say a flower doesn’t ask another flower when it blooms, it just does and that’s what we should remember, too.

 

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many likes and shares you get on social media platforms, but the laughters that circled your lips.

And remember:

“The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively” – Bob Marley

Love,

Csilla x

 

You’re allowed to scream, but you’re not allowed to give up

 

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They say we should take more time to do things that make us happy. But what if being happy means you have to be sad and lonely first?

As some of you may know, I have been unemployed for over month already and, let me tell you this, it hasn’t been easy at all. I decided to resign from my position in retail, mainly because I wanted to focus more on writing and finding my path in the editorial field.

So far, it’s been damn hard.

I am not going to lie, there have been days when all I wanted to do was just shut the blinds and hide under the covers. Everybody was at work, so my social life was reduced to zero and my will to work was practically non-existent.

But, there also have been days where I’ve spent all my time writing applications, composing cover letters and re-designing my CV to match job requirements. And those are the days I am most proud of.

Many have said that being in London gave me an extra chance to get the job of my dreams and pursue the career I always wanted. But what they didn’t tell me was that it’s okay to fail, that it’s okay to have to start over, because London is also a big city. A city with a supersaturated market, where the competition is bigger than I could possibly image, and in order to get what I wanted, I need to work with all my strength, to show passion and initiative, and also, to have a little luck.

I was going the other day over my emails and applications ,and I’ve realised I’ve reached number 150, many cups of tea and coffee, hundreds of cover letter drafts and many anxiety levels.

At some point last week, I was feeling so down, I just thought ‘Maybe this isn’t for me. Maybe I’m not that good and maybe I am just wasting my time and theirs’. 

I closed the laptop in frustration and pushed everything aside and I cried. I don’t think I ever cried that hard in my life, nor that loud. It hid me hard and cold: you just have to keep going. 

I remember moving to London four years ago with endless dreams and started manuscripts in my bags, hoping to become the next J.K. Rowling. I was naive to think that I will just simply fit it, that it’s going to be easy, that I won’t have to fight my way through life. But now, after many stories written and read, blog posts, late night researches, interviews, life experiences, breakups, I have realised that I am enough.

I have realised that no matter what happens, I just have to keep going. I have learnt that being strong means to hold on to my own dreams and fight with everything it takes to fulfil them because at the end of the day, I will be the only one to benefit from them.

And that’s what all of you should know: that no matter where you’re from, what religion you are or what skin colour you have, you are enough in your own way. It’s not an easy fight, but it will be all worth it in the end. It’s not about the destination, but about the journey you decide to take to discover what you’re really made of.

What about you guys? How do you keep going on?

Love,

Csilla x

 

 

Always do what you’re afraid to do.

“Cultivate an optimistic mind, use your imagination, always consider alternatives, and dare to believe that you can make possible what others think is impossible.”
Rodolfo Costa

via From Up North

   via From Up North

Tomorrow is Monday again and I can see how as soon as I turn off my alarm, I will complain about getting out of bed, about getting ready for work. Speaking of that. I have signed my resignation letter and I have now left only two days of work. After Tuesday, I will have enough time to finish all my final projects and to launch myself into all the projects I had in mind the past months.

Living in London can be exhausting, because the work you need to do in order to pay the bills is always stressful, and after a while, you get tired and you just want to start over. That’s what happened to me, and, truth be told, I feel proud of myself for the decision I took.

In a moment of clarity, I decided to quit my part-time job as a Barista and have a fresh start. To have a time-out for about a month, and then, start the job hunting again. I have realised that taking this decision had several implications and possible collateral damages, but I have calculated everything to the last penny, and, now,  I am finally happy.

I am positive about the future. Although everyone is complaining about how hard it is to find a job in your field after graduation, I still think optimistically and believe that soon everything will be all right. Someone once told me that in order for my happiness to be complete, I’ll have to make sacrifices and leave people behind and I have never would’ve thought this will be the moment I’d say “I am finally satisfied with my decision.”

They say that dreaming about ideals and success is easy, but it takes effort and hard work in order to accomplish them. I couldn’t agree more, but in order to get to a certain destination, you have to be at peace with yourself, with your soul and with your desires.

Some of the things I recommend you do – I follow them myself- in order to have inner peace and less torment are:

1. Never, ever settle for less. You are a strong, independent human being that deserves more.

2. You are beautiful. No matter what the society says, you have a beautiful soul that resonates with

harmony.

3. Stay strong, regardless of people might do or say; you always have to keep your head lifted and keep going.

4. Always do what you’re afraid to do and you’ll win over your inner demons.

5. Stay positive. Always, stay positive.

via Pinterest

                                                              via Pinterest

Remember, even though life doesn’t always offer you the things you want, you are still entitled to happiness and good will.

P.S. Smile and all the dark clouds will fade away.

Love,

Csilla

How was your day?

As the sun is setting on the horizon line, I see myself meeting new faces at every step. Some of them are tired, hindered by wrinkles, hidden between layers of routine and some, some still have the strength to smile at me after a long day. People have busy lives; we spend most of our time at the office, in the cafe, in the kitchen, with the babies – mostly working – and that says a lot about us.

We work hard to strive, provide and produce.

In a society of consumerism many have forgotten to actually enjoy the day at work, to exchange a joke with the colleague across the room or even smile to the girl  in the foyer whose name is unknown.

So I’m asking you all,

How was your day?

Did you wake up with a strong sense of needing a coffee to get you going?

Or maybe you missed someone and the thought of going to work would have made it fade away?

Some of the world’s philosophers say that if you want to make time for something or someone you will, the rest is just excuses.

Yet again, someone woke up smiling today. Like I did.

I woke up – although without enough rest – grateful.  Seeing the sun rays shining through the curtains gave a feeling of belonging, a feeling of comfort. I was grateful for being in London, for managing to work my way through life, and being where are I am.

I felt positive about my goals and knew that today will be a good day.

The day that follows is as you make it.

It is very important to stay positive and always try and make things easier for you. As soon as stress gets to you, everything becomes harder to achieve and your mood becomes automatically bad.

via Pinterest
                                                         via Pinterest

These are some of my advices I always give myself:

  • You mustn’t loose your temper by paying too much attention to little things, but stay focused and try to smile and make situations better.
  • You must approach situations with a positive attitude and work towards a better understanding of body language.
  • Look people in their eyes and smile. Smile, smile, smile. Even on a bad day, someone’s good vibe can lift your spirit.
  • Remember to be gentle, polite and calm. People like that and you’ll find it yourself how much better it is to work in a tranquil environment.

And just to finish off, always bare this in mind:

“When you are joyful, when you say yes to life and have fun and project positivity all around you, you become a sun in the center of every constellation, and people want to be near you.”
Shannon L. Alder

Until next time,

Csilla x